Amanda Rose Zampelli | the blog

olw for December // MAKE MERRY

 A magical last month with my one little word {MAKE}, I hope.  Compared to my melodrama talking about my last one little word, this month I'm going to MAKE MERRY.  I'm going to focus on the magic and cheer of Christmas, and allow myself to be tickled pink by the lights, the hot cocoa, the warm fuzzy slippers, the cats in Christmas clothes, anything and everything. (These lights I strung over the dresser in my bedroom are starting to do the trick.) ;)

These next 17 days are going to be tough work -- finishing up graphic design school, DIYing some business cards, putting together a digital portfolio, and creating a professional website.  I'm a little intimidated, but I don't want to forget to pay attention to holiday magic -- I think my December Daily will help with that.  

And then -- after the 20th (graduation day) I am going to fully bask in the do-nothingness of Christmas.  The 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, & 25th, I imagine, are going to be for baking cookies, singing Christmas karaoke, last minute shopping, and making merry. Hip hip hooray.

my one little word for 2013

Sept-November's intention

Summer's intention

June's intention

May's intention

April's intention

March's intention

February's intention

January's intention

Still MAKE BELIEVING.

At the start of the Fall season I set out to MAKE BELIEVE I wasn't scared out of my mind, but if I'm being honest, I am scared all the time, for one idiotic reason or another.  At the start of design school I was scared because I thought nobody would like me. I thought I wouldn't feel comfortable there. I thought I wouldn't be good. I thought it would be too much pressure. I thought... I thought... I thought...

Turns out, my classmates did like me.  Turns out I felt incredibly comfortable here.  Turns out I'm getting better and better everyday.  Turns out there is a great amount of pressure, but I'll get through it.

Now, a new set of fears have reared their ugly head! What am I going to do in three weeks when this is over?  What if I can't find work?  What if I find work, and then hate where I work?  What if I have to move away from my family for my job? What if my job has me staying exactly still? What if I never get medical insurance?! 

Bottom line: I AM CONSTANTLY SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.  Once one fear is defeated, another one will probably spring up.  I suppose it's all about how much you let the fear rule your decisions.  I believe it was Georgia O'Keefe who said, "I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life -  and I've never let it keep from doing a single thing I wanted to do."

That quote has always resonated with me.

I try to make it a point to smile and laugh an equal amount that I fear and worry.

Also, I think my creativity helps.  Actually, I know it does.  It forces me to focus on productivity and figuring out how to make new ideas happen, instead of the monsters my mind conjures up.

Again -- maybe it's the seasonal change.  Maybe it's my hermit status to the umpteenth degree.  I still am optimistic to the core, but dang, adulthood is scary.  Life is scary.  I count my blessings, that's for sure...and my nights of sound sleep.

How I'm using my olw for 2013 for this month and to finish up the year shall be posted tomorrow.

Goodnight!

olw for the start of design school // MAKE BELIEVE...

Oh.
Hi, one little word.

I know it seems like forever since I made a specific intention with my olw {MAKE}, but no, I did not forget about it.  I've just been busy MAKING EACH DAY OF SUMMER 2013 COUNT as evidence in all that went on these past two and a half months.

But with Autumn officially starting today, and design school officially starting tomorrow, and...oh, not to mention...the beginning of a new chapter in my life...that HOPEFULLY turns out better than the past five years pursuing teaching turned out for me....whomp.

Yeah. Let the anxiety begin.

Starting something new - nomatter how excited I am about it - messes with my brain chemistry, and the introvert in me always wins out.  I become a quiet, anxious, puddle consumed by all my social fears.  (She talks about it this post.) At least for the first week or so. 

But there's something bigger I'm anxious about.  Actually, I'm scared out of my mind.  There is so much pressure on me for this to be it. You know...what I'm supposed to do with my life.  I'm going in confident that it will be, but I did the same thing with teaching, and within the first few months, I was shaken to the core how wrong I was.

...and what if I do find that graphic design in some form or another is it, but I'm no good? ...or I can't find my niche?  

Gosh, I'm such a baby.

My one little word intention for the start of design school is grounded in helping me work through this.  I'm going to make believe I'm not shitting my pants.  Fake it 'til I make it, in a way. I usually realize, in retrospect, that I had nothing to be afraid of, but I always go in with such DOOM thoughts.  It's so strange.

I cried hysterically from Pre-K through 1st grade whenever my mom would drop me off at school.

Could that have had some lasting effects?

I guess the lesson to be learned there is from 2nd grade through high school, I pretty much loved school, so cry all I want, right?  Just get through it, and out to the smiling, sun-shining other side.

I've already organized my wallet and school bag.  I've got my Metro Card, and have already praticed with the ExpressBuss twice.  I plan to check tomorrow's weather prediction 27 times today, pick out my outfit for tomorrow, and ready my hair, 'brows, and nails to make me look as confident as I might not feel.

Stay tuned, readers and peepers!

my one little word for 2013

Summer's intention

June's intention

May's intention

April's intention

March's intention

February's intention

January's intention

olw for Summer // MAKE EACH DAY COUNT.

July & August.  You two are the perfect pair.  You two little devils -- you guys are my favorite.

You're here, and I'm so grateful for the space, the time, and the sun you provide.

My one little word for 2013 "MAKE" is manifesting itself these next two months in the form of making each day count.  I want not one day to go by without my participation in one of the four things I mentioned in this post: organization, creation, fruition, or relaxation.  

I wake up each morning open to the potential each day brings, and I owe it to myself to take advantage of my favorite time of year while I have this time to do it.

That DVD and those books my olw frame is sitting on were rented from the library this week, and are what my mind's been all about lately: love, relationships, heartbreak, SUMMER, freelancing, web design, home-buying, house decor, and mini albums.  Any days I make about those things, that's me making them count. :)

We'll see how it goes.  Thanks for tuning in.

my one little word for 2013

June's intention

May's intention

April's intention

March's intention

February's intention

January's intention

Left.

I had set out at the beginning of the month to MAKE PEACE WITH LEAVING, knowing I was going to tell my school I would be leaving and not returning to teach next year.  Well, I told them June 5th, and the pandemonium that followed was hard to take.

I just wantied to quietly sneak out the back door, have nobody know who didn't NEED to know, and have that be that.  The total opposite happened, and soon every single employee at my school knew I was leaving.

All the questions & concerns, genuine or not, were hard to answer.  Especially because there were tons of them.  However, each time I talked about it, it became more an more concrete, and I guess I got more and more used to the idea.

I sentimentally wore a dress I had bought two summers ago to wear on my first day teaching.

I took many mny pictures of and with the kids in an attempt to soak them up best I could.
(here, here, here, and here)

All these were ways I thought I was making peace with it.

Finally -- after what seemed like a never-ending last few weeks of school, summer arrived.  I no longer had to put up with the questions, the looks, the everything.

...and just when I thought I made peace with it, BOOM! Saturday night happened.

Saturday night, June 29th: two of my fellow teacher friends invited me to crash their dinner&drinking party at a local spot, and not having anything to fill up my Saturday night, I obliged.  All was well and good until a girl I've never met before joined us, and I asked her "Oh, are you a teacher too?" 

She replied, "Yes! I just got a job in your school."

I naturally congratulated her, and all talk became how great our school was, and the kids, and her excitement and interviewing process, and how teacher-close they would be and...I felt envious.  It only lasted a little bit, but looking at these three girls -- happy to be teachers, knowing what they have set up for them for the upcoming years -- I felt alienated.  I'm the weirdo.  I'm the one who has no clue, who hasn't gotten it all figured out yet.  I'm the one that won't be able to relate in a year or two when the DOE changes yet again and I'm not versed in it anymore.  

I know why I'm leaving teaching, and it's the right choice for me, but I still felt sad that I couldn't also be giddy about it like them.

I seemingly couldn't make peace with leaving Saturday night, even though I've already left.  

It shall be an ongoing intention of mine.  I imagine the need for it most in September when I know I'd be going back if I hadn't left, but we'll see. I plan to keep myself highly distracted until September 23rd, when design school starts.  {Gasp!} Yep.  Highly, fantastially distracted.

Coming to you tomorrow with my summer olw intention.

See ya then!

See May's here and here.
See April's here and here.
See March's here and here.
See February's here and here.
See January's here and here.

olw for June // MAKE PEACE WITH LEAVING

June is the pipe dream month -- the month you never think will get here until it does. :)

Well, it's here, and we're in day 4, and my intention this month - fueled by my one little word for 2013 - is MAKE PEACE WITH LEAVING.

By the end of this week, I goal to tell my principal that I shan't be returning to teach next year.  It terrifies me on so many levels, but I know it's what I need to do.  The hardest part has been knowing there are less than 20 work days left with my crazy bunch -- who I love so much -- and who I won't see everyday next year.

That makes me sad.

That makes me feel guilty.

You see, I could do this job.  I'm good at it, but it hasn't fulfilled me.  For two years, I wake up not wanting to go to work -- even though the kids are funny and all that.  The complete dynamic of my day as a teacher doesn't strengthen me.  That's it.  It's not the right fit, and I deserve a job that I adore.

So I've decided this is the time that I should -- and CAN -- try something else.  I'm not leaving without a clue as to what, I'm leaving with a very clear directive of what's next.

With that being said, I need to STOP IT.  Stop the self-battering that keeps occurring when I walk through the school's halls and know I'm not returning.  Stop doubting myself.  Stop cowering.

I need to channel the confidence from within.  I've never made a decision that I didn't believe in my heart was right, and this decision is no different.  I need to make peace with it.  That's my goal.

This month is going to be tough, but happy. I'm happy that this job that drains me so is going to come to an end, but I dread goodbyes.   I love my motley crew, and I have to make peace with leaving them.

We'll see how it turns out, I guess.

my one little word for 2013

May's intention

April's intention

March's intention

February's intention

January's intention

Did I MAKE TIME TO MEDITATE?

Ten days into May I came to you with the two images below letting you know I was trying my best to traditionally meditate.

I said in that post 3 weeks ago that "I will try to be better. I will try to be consistent with at least 5 minutes spent meditating a day." 

BAH!  Since that post, I hadn't meditated a single second, and that awesome quote: "BREATH(E). LET GO. Remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." was completely disregarded...

... OR WAS IT?

A few days ago, thinking about this post, I was a little disappointed that I didn't meet my intention for May.  I thought I was going to type here that May was a 'wash'. Epic fail. My one little word {MAKE} did not see me through. However, in the past couple of days I realized I'm dumb.  

I ABSOLUTELY honored that quote, and after looking past the obvious criss-cross your legs and ohm your breathing and touch the tips of your thumb and middle finger together, I've meditated a BUNCH of ways this month!  

(1) my walk/jogs were definitely a way I breathed and let go.  

Each and every time I was on my walk, I was centered, I was steadily breathing and following a rhythm.  It totally was me, meditating, to the thump thump of my steps, to the whizzing by of the cars on the streets and the bikes on the trail.

(2) my time spent staring at the moon this month

I had a weird obsession with the moon this month, but I think it was grounded in my olw intention. Each time I spent minutes looking up at the moon (which was always caught right before sunset...it hung out with the sun all month) I let myself go.  I focused on it, thought about things, and let them pass over me.  I really did feel "in the moment", and missing him happened, reflection happened, I acknowledged it within my being, and then let it go.  

It was completely meditation, looking back on it now.

(3) my time spent with greenery (plants; grass; etc.)

Since my affair with magnolias in April & our trip to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, my soul's grown more and more connected to plant-life. This month with a farm field trip and time spent in a working, flourishing herb garden, I'm like, "Yo. Plants."

They cause me to stop. breathe. notice. appreciate. sigh. let go. Well, MEDITATE, in a way. ;)

(4) Lastly, each and every paper project puts me in 'the zone'.

All else melts away and I truly do feel like "...this moment is the only one I know I have for sure."

This last week of May had me designing, printing to life, embellishing, and creating my first paying paper project: Bridal Shower invitations for my co-worker's daughter.  Each part of the process was medicinal, and felt much like meditation.

Yes, I'm not yet versed in the art of true meditation.  Maybe I never will be, but it was a good intention, a good attempt.  

Now I'm so ready to move to June.  Tomorrow.

So ready.

Like whoa.

Thanks for reading.

T.G.I.F. lovies!

Coming to you tomorrow with my June olw intention.

See April's here and here.
See March's here and here.
See February's here and here.
See January's here and here.

Sooo...I MADE A KIMONO ROBE.

Remember back in April went I set out to MAKE A KIMONO-STYLE ROBE by the end of April?  
You kind of followed my journey when I posted my OUT TO SEWs // 1, 2, and 3.

Well, I finished just this past weekend.

It's kind of sad story.  It was supposed to go on for the four consecutive Saturdays in April, but on the third Saturday, our sewing instructor (who I absolutely adore) got sick.  Class resumed on April 27th, but that would mean the "finishing" of the robe would spill over into May.  Then, that first Saturday of May got cancelled because poor Pat was sick again.  When the class finally got together for our last session this past May 11th Saturday, we found out Pat had a severe asthma attack, was in a coma and on a resperator.  8|  I just can't believe it.  I hope the news on her comes back good soon.  It would be a nice deviation from all the saddness that seems to happen one after the other this past year.

Anyway, that Pat: she taught me everything I currently know about sewing.  Most importantly, she made me feel comfortable sitting in front of my sewing machine.  I now have the confidence I need to embark on other sewing adventures.  ...and my robe?  It's pretty sweet, even with it's many imperfections.  I love it.  

Get well soon, Pat!
I am so very grateful for the sewing skills she taught me, my new spring robe, and how my one little word {MAKE} manifested itself last month.

See March's here and here.
See February's here and here.
See January's here and here.

my DIY flowers in my hair

10 days of MAKING TIME FOR MEDITATION // {olw} for May

It's been 10 days since my intent shifted to MAY's use of my one little word: MAKE TIME FOR MEDITIATION.

So far...it's been HARD. Really really hard.  With this intention, I wanted to spend some time everyday living the Oprah Winfrey quote above.  However, I've been heartbroken from missing him & it being his birthday this week, stressed from several consecutive days in a row of Tasmanian devil teacher-tornadoes, and plain ol' EXHAUSTED.

Every time I try to sit up and focus on my breathing, focus on calming, teacher work enters my brain, what happened with the kids in class that day enters my brain, where are the cats, will my sister come home and interrupt me, I'm cold, I'm hot, is that a bug...

You get the point.

Then, on some occassions these past 10 days, my body called for me to lay down:

...and each and every time I've fallen asleep.

[Deep sigh.]

Also, to be honest, I haven't meditated the last couple of days.  Stress and work has been too much (but that's probably the time I need to meditate!)...soooo, in the next 10 days, I will try to be better. I will try to be consistent with at least 5 minutes spent meditating. 

This is more a challenge for me than I thought.

Do you meditate at all?
What are some of your tricks/approaches to it?

T.G.I.F.

olw for May // MAKE TIME TO MEDITATE

I feel like Fergie said it best when she sang:

"...I need to be with myself and center
clarity, peace, serenity..." 

This is the nature of my May one little word intention.

MAKE TIME FOR MEDITATION was not going to be how I was going to use 'MAKE' this month.  The intention came to me this past weekend, and it makes a lot of sense.  I've been having a hard time letting him go, and have been feeling tons of anxiety, loneliness, and sadness lately.

Enter this practice that I've always meant to try, but have never tried.  I find myself thinking "I should meditate through this" but then never do.  This month, I'm going to set aside at least 5 minutes everyday to sit and center and attempt to clear my mind.

Some helpful links I've found for beginners like me:

How To Meditate Properly
Four Good Times of the Day to Meditate
Advantages of Meditation

Ohm-kay. Let's do this. ;)

my one little word for 2013

April's intention

March's intention

February's intention

January's intention