Amanda Rose Zampelli | the blog

One year ago today, I left for Texas.

One year ago today, I left for Texas. Many of my family and friends did not understand this journey, or the need for it, or judged it to be wrong or excessive or 'unlike' me or good for me or whatever they thought. I've come to learn that people will judge the decisions you make for yourself no matter what the decision is, especially people who love & care for you. Anyway, one year ago today, I left, and I still remember everything I was feeling sitting in that airport with one kitty in a duffle bag on my right shoulder, and the other kitty in a duffle bag on my left. I felt utterly consumed by uncomfort & anxiety & sadness & fear, but like it was EXACTLY what I needed to do. 

This morning, I finished reading "The Alchemist" - a book which talks about journeys and omens and realizing your Personal Legend - and (I won't spoil the ending) what a fitting book to finish on the one-year anniversary of the day I set off on MY journey to settle my heart. I've learned that sometimes life calls for you to venture off in the completely wrong and excessively opposite direction in order to get to the right direction for yourself, which -- ironically -- is usually exactly where you started. However the journey NEEDS to be taken because the knowledge you acquire from the wrong & excessive journey is what was missing at your original starting point. heart emoticon

This is what my journey to Texas and back did for me. This is what my journey in & out of teaching did for me. Each one of these "failures" was really a jolt to a greater success for myself. Looking back at this past year, almost everything was an omen - from people I met to things I wanted to try - and only when I was still & genuinely going through something uncomfortable & unknown did I intuitively feel a resounding 'YES!' about a decision I should make. 

I always say 'life is hard', but I've learned life is funny, too. ...when you don't try to distract yourself away from the hard stuff (and in this day and age there are SOOOOOOO many distractions), when you allow yourself to go through life's struggles & uncertainty, and you try to take lessons from them and acquire new knowledge about yourself and aim to get better and be better, LIFE WILL MAKE YOU BETTER. Life will give you the great things truly meant for you. 

I am a living testament to that. I don't think it was luck. I think one year ago today, sitting in that airport with both my kitties - feeling sacred & alone - that today's blessings were already destined. I had to be patient, I had to scout out the omens, and I had to go through it to get through it. I am so incredibly grateful for and happy about where I currently am, who I'm currently with, and what I'm currently doing with my days... but I'm here to say the struggle came first. Many struggles came first, and I'm sure more struggles will come, but today I am so grateful. I want to hold the hand of that version of myself from year ago and whisper in her ear "You got this. Just wait. Things are going to get really good."

happy holidays, TX

These photos (plus a hundred more than aren't in this blog post) make up my love letter to this little Texas town that has been my home for the past 15 weeks. I am going home to New York for the whole month of December, and I wanted to take this opportunity to wish 'Happy Holidays' to every kind soul I've met here, every sky that's taken my breath away, the dirt on the softball field, our zen balcony, the moments of sweet open silent alone space to craft/work/be, the complete obtrusive all-encompassing shared space that occurs when two people live in a tiny apartment together for the first time learning how to do it, and the food. Oh, the food! 

All of it, these past 15 weeks - the ups, the downs, the in betweens - happy holidays. Thank you and I'll love you forever. I'll be back soon...

2 mini orchids for 2 months in TX

Yesterday marked two months that I've been away from home, on this test of independence, and living in Texas with Tomas.  (You can read more about its beginnings here, see how it's looked so far here and here, and read a bit about how it's felt here and here.) So yesterday evening, when I went to the market, I picked up two mini orchids to commemorate two months of being okay not being home.

Notice I didn't say "...to commemorate making the best decision of my life!"  I think those kinds of things happen to other people...the ones that make moves thousands of miles away from all they've ever known and everything 'clicks' and they grow into who they're supposed to be and they make a solid foundation to what becomes the strongest, most wonderful, significant relationship of their life. Other people.

Even still, I'm proud I've 'made it' this far.  I have been growing and learning. Here are three things I've learned in the two months I've been away (for the first time) from home:

1. No big change is ever going to look and feel how you thought it would.

You'd think I would have learned this when I got to high school, and it didn't look and feel exactly like Saved by the Bell. ...still pissed about that.

2. Two months in is incredibly different than two days in.

Do not jump ship after two days in. I was a mad woman two days in to this new experience, and I'm so proud of how I've made it past that manic state, and can see - in retrospect - how truly capable I was at coping and adjusting. 

3. Be present as much as you can.

I get in trouble when I think about what's happening back home and who I should call to make sure they're alright or how I wish I could be with my sister and cousin on their NYC adventure or whatever. When I think about where I am NOT, I start to feel discontent. I've been practicing everyday for the past two months NOT to do that to myself.  It's a constant mental exercise, and I'm learning to be present, to live in this moment and this day.  
(It's really hard, though.)

helping me get through my homesickness

I have the homesickness. Cue tiny tear. I've been away from home for four weeks now, and like I hinted a week ago: I never thought I'd make it this long. It's felt different over the course of these past 28 days, but has caused me cognitive distress in some form or another nonetheless.

Here is a list of 5 things that have been helping me get through it:

1. crafting

Coming up with ideas and then using all my cognitive energy to make those ideas happen has been such a help in getting me through my homesickness. Not to mention, when the craft is complete and becomes an uplifting aspect of my surroundings - it helps create calm even after it's done.

2. meditating

I talked about my recent journey into meditation in this post, but since writing it, I've done more research and more practice, and it has been helping. It has allowed me to 'check in' with myself - not in a way that has me 'check in' with my feelings about this or that or what my mom said or what my schedule looks like tomorrow or how homesick I am on a scale of 1 to 10 - NO. None of that.  Meditation has you 'check in' to yourself - your core self of calm and peace and security - and has shown me time and time again that I can access it by turning my consciousness inward to my breath.

3. reading

Actually, to be more specific, this one has been reading about meditating. Or even more specific than that: reading about cognitive distress, fear, and unhapiness (even homesickness?) and how meditation can help you through it. So basically, I've been researching my butt off. I've been raging against the dying of the light by studying what makes the light go dim in the first place. This has helped me with the dark feeling that is homesickness, and provided me with actual strategies to apply to my situation.
(This is the book. I talked a little bit about it at the end of this post. Full book report coming soon.)

4. visualizing my relatives that have passed

This one might sound weird, but it has helped me. I've been in several rental cars over the past four weeks, and when I'm driving in an unfamilar place, I don't like the radio on.  So there I was - alone in a silent car, driving on strange streets.  At one point, I pictured my Nana next to me, in the passenger seat. She was smiling, giggling with me about this crazy ride I'm on (literally and figuratively). Then I visualized my Nonna, my Uncle Jimmy, and my Grandpa in the back seat, all squished like. They were with me. I knew them, and I was not alone.

5. shoving anxiety in a box

Here's another thing I've been doing that might sound weird, but it's been helping.  I caught the video below several weeks ago and for some reason it registered with me, and I've been practicing this mental technique every since.

(I swear, people need to talk to me like ^that all the time.) By 'putting the anxiety in a box', I am able to deal with it in the moment and move on from it easier than I have in the past. Anxiety is an ogre, and I know for sure that my fear, worry, and homesickness would have already consumed me if I hadn't been practicing ways to tame it.

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I hope this little list has helped you if you are feel homesick. I'd love for you to share in the comments anything that's helped you. ♥ Thanks for stopping by.

around here / three weeks in TX

I cannot believe I left home three weeks ago. I made it 21 days without being home. I'm pretty sure that's been the longest span ever for me. Since leaving, there has been a lot of quiet time. In that quiet time, there's been a ton of adjusting. There's been balcony meditating sessions. There's been hugs from/for my two travel buddies. Long gazes out the window. Late mornings. Heavy, heavy sleeps.

There's been thinking. There's been reading. There's been reading about thinking. There was only one day so far of treadmill action. I've developed a new obsession with solid washi tape. I now juggle between two iPhones, and dressed my incredibly active incessantly vibrating work phone in a monkey suit. There's been lots of ideas. Playing with stickers. Printing and painting. Learning product.

Overall: good, but I don't want to label things as good or bad anymore.
I want to label them as happening.

So around here, there's been things happening. I predict more things will happen this weekend, and I will go on accumulating data on these happenings until I decide to make a decision based on that data. ♥ That is all. Have a good weekend!

we're in this together.

One dufflebag full of Carmen. One dufflebag full of Alejandro. ...and me, in the middle, trying to keep it together. Nine hours, two airports, and a new apartment later, all three of us managed to have a pretty good panic attack. I suppose I expected it from me, but seeing it from the two of them really threw me. Carmen wet herself. Alejandro hid shaking behind the washer/dryer. ...and their mama just about lost her mind. (Lucky Tomas.)

After we all slept a much needed sleep, we woke up feeling better.  The cats ate and litter-boxed; I made coffee and organized a bit.  Talking to mom and dad helped too, but I tell ya...I pray we get better adjusted.

Oh, my kitty boops, my travel buddies, my little life loves: we're in this together.  Let's stay strong, and try to remember we're going to be alright, no matter what. ♥ ♥ ♥ Happy Weekend, all!

NY to TX | …aanndd I'm off!

Me and the kitty boops are getting on a plane today (two planes, actually - layover - stupid). I knew this day would come, and started talking about it three weeks ago, but even still, there are a number of questions looping around in my brain:

What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?  What am I doing? What am I doing?

God, an answer to any or all of the questions above would be great.

The last time I felt this way, I was starting design school.

Life is hard, but here we go!

PACK IT UP, PACK IT IN, LET ME BEGIN!

above image made from here and here 

I started packing, and I am in hell. Haa haa! Okay, no, that's not true, but it's kind of true. ;) All my friends keep asking me if I need their help, and the truth is: unless they are professional packers and movers, I don't.  I've been weeding through my belongs just fine -- it's the logistics of how to pack I need help with. Did I use enough bubble wrap? Am I making the boxes too heavy? I ran out of boxes, what do I do? How do you ship an iMac? ...all that good stuff. 

I shall be taking a short break from this space while I'm wrapped up in all this moving stuff. You can still see in-the-moment updates by following me on instagram or twitter @amandarosezamp.
Okay. Thank you. Love you. ♥ Bye bye!

NY to TX | 1 more week to go

One. More. Week. I'm getting on a plane with two cats en route to Texas in one week from today.

At this point, my emotions about it have kind of deadpanned.  Although I'm excited to an extent, it's hard for me to express any excitement.  Plain and simple: I truly don't know if this is the 'right' decision, and I'm going to miss my home. I don't know if that's logic talking or anxiety -- and maybe it's a little bit of both -- but I know that I'm getting on that plane anyway. Concerned, worried, and afraid -- with a sprinkle of excitement and the need to be strong for the kids (aka: my cats) -- I am going to board that plane in a week. 

It's legit going to take all the courage I can muster. It's literally one of those situations where "I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway." I don't know if it's the 'right' decision, but it's a decision. That has to count for something. I'm learning to see decisions as experiments, and that no matter what the outcome of my decisions (good or bad), I am smart, resourceful, and have skills I can use to get me through. I've been learning to trust this truth. 

On missing my home, I've been learning to trust this truth: my home will always be here. I mean, could a fire blaze through my street destroying my home and everything inside it while I'm in Texas? Yes. But is that likely to happen. No? So why would I worry about missing my home or family and never getting them back again? Because I have anxiety, that why. Haa haa! I'm learning, I'm learning. On missing my home, I've also learned this truth: I'll always miss it. I now understand that shouldn't stop me from leaving it...

It's going to be a tough week for me.  I'm going to try to soak up everything before embarking on my new Texas adventure, and be very 'in the moment'  with family and friends...and packing. Dang! I have to do that.

NY to TX | 2 weeks and counting

Two weeks from today, I am making the move from Queens, NY to Dallas, TX and with every passing day that draws me closer to getting on that plane, the more I'm envisioning myself on that morning clinging to my bed's comforter saying, "Ah, forget it! I changed my mind. I just want to stay here - in this bed - surrounded by my family that is my love and comfort and support, and stick to what I know for a little while longer."

I'm really scared.

I have to start packing boxes, and that scares me.  

Friends and family keep telling me "I need to see you before you go".  That scares me, and I immediately get defensive and yell back at them, "Don't act like I'm never coming back!"

I'm taking the cats with me, and I'm scared they'll hate it, or worse: hate me for it. 

I'm going to see if Tomas and I can work, to explore the question: can we be us again?  I'm scared the answer might be no.

I haven't the slightest clue what to expect, and it's shaking me to the core.

Last week I read a post from the zenhabits blog called "How to Master the Art of Living". It talked of letting go of expectations and appreciating each moment for what it is. It also contained a great blueberry metaphor:

"Imagine you had a gorgeous blueberry sitting on the otherwise empty plate in front of you. You pick it up gently, place it on your tongue, and begin to taste it.

You already know how a blueberry tastes, and so when this one is a bit riper than you’d like, you make a face, feel the disappointment, swallow it with displeasure.

Or perhaps it tastes exactly as you’d expected: no big deal. You swallow, and move on with your day.

In the first case, the blueberry was disappointing because it didn’t meet expectations. In the second, it was boring because it met expectations.

Now try this: have no expectations of how the blueberry will taste. You don’t know because you haven’t tried it yet. You’re curious, open to a variety of tastes."

I would love to master this way to live. I would love to be going on this Texas journey just...curious, open to a variety of experiences -- having no expectation of how Texas will be. I've been practicing being more in the current moment, and less in future moments that I could never predict or forsee or be ready to handle until they arrive.  I'm practicing.

I'm trying...

                   ...with lots of crying in between. :)

...but now's the time. ...and we shall see. ...and this is life. ...Dallas or bust. ...Dallas and bust?