This post is the ramblings of my 29 year old self on the 29th of June, inspired by this original post.
I turned 29 back in November so over half my year of being 29 is 'in the bag'. However, when rummaging through that metaphorical 'bag', it's so disorganized and cluttered and packed with STUFF that I can't seem to find what I want or pull out anything useful. My first and foremost thought on making it thus far is nothing other than a loud and resounding what the f**k is going on?!?!
No really. The amount of questions that still race around in my brain double and triple in amount and severity each and every day. I've come to the conclusion (which may change tomorrow) that we - as humans - will never have anything all figured out. With each new day, month, year, decade comes new challenges to face, and problems to solve, and fears to overcome...and all the while trying to not to let any of them 'hold you back'. ...and what does that even mean?!?!
The best representation of how I feel in this present moment at 29 is Charlotte York in THIS SCENE from the second Sex&theCity movie. The profound-ity (<---not a word, but should be) of the I DON'T KNOWs in my life is palpable. ...and I know the I DON'T KNOWS can and should be awesome because of all the possibility that lay before you, but how...HOW?!?!?...do you navigate between the 'grand adventure' feeling and the paralyzing stagnant fear?! My body defaults to fear, which I'm working on pushing through. It's like 'The Scientist' by Coldplay -- I try to study and examine and prod life so that I better understand how to handle it "questions of science/ science and progress...running in circles/chasing our tails"...it's all leading nowhere. "Nobody said it was easy/No one ever said it would be this hard" ...that is how I feel about it all: adulthood, love, navigating what to do next. I DON'T KNOW....I DON'T KNOW...I DON'T KNOW...
I could continue, but it's Sunday, and I should be resting, and that's the jist of it all. I always thought happiness would be something that 'click'ed because I made the right life choices, or played the game 'smart', or was just a good person, but what I'm finding out is that's total bulls**t. Happiness is something you have to pursue and it's something you have to choose, every moment of everyday or you just won't have it. ♥ ...ramble ramble ramble...
