Amanda Rose blog

WTF, Saturday?!

Yep.

Here I was at work yesterday -- on a  Saturday -- cleaning, making charts, and sorting through MOUNDS of paperwork.  I got dizzy twice and had to sit down.  

The reason is because of a "mock" Quality Review our school has going on Thursday.  "Mock" meaning it isn't real and doesn't count for anything, but the school's atmosphere is still one of tension, nerves, and fear.  Yep, fear. I've heard many teachers 1, 2, 5, and 15+ years in saying they're losing sleep over the amount of work they've had to produce and pressure they feel.

I'm so over it.

I'm going to attack this upcoming Hell Week with a postive attitude, a focus on giving myself time to zone out in center clarity, peace, serenity, and with this song in my head.

Que Sera Sera!

SIDE NOTE:

Whenever I mention that I'm considering leaving the teaching profession

someone never fails to say to me "the grass is always greener..."

AT THIS POINT: I don't care which grass is greener,

as long as I'm not mowing it on the weekend.

10 days of MAKING TIME FOR MEDITATION // {olw} for May

It's been 10 days since my intent shifted to MAY's use of my one little word: MAKE TIME FOR MEDITIATION.

So far...it's been HARD. Really really hard.  With this intention, I wanted to spend some time everyday living the Oprah Winfrey quote above.  However, I've been heartbroken from missing him & it being his birthday this week, stressed from several consecutive days in a row of Tasmanian devil teacher-tornadoes, and plain ol' EXHAUSTED.

Every time I try to sit up and focus on my breathing, focus on calming, teacher work enters my brain, what happened with the kids in class that day enters my brain, where are the cats, will my sister come home and interrupt me, I'm cold, I'm hot, is that a bug...

You get the point.

Then, on some occassions these past 10 days, my body called for me to lay down:

...and each and every time I've fallen asleep.

[Deep sigh.]

Also, to be honest, I haven't meditated the last couple of days.  Stress and work has been too much (but that's probably the time I need to meditate!)...soooo, in the next 10 days, I will try to be better. I will try to be consistent with at least 5 minutes spent meditating. 

This is more a challenge for me than I thought.

Do you meditate at all?
What are some of your tricks/approaches to it?

T.G.I.F.

CAT-MAMA cards

Mother's Day is THIS Sunday, people!
(Don't say I didn't warn you.  It crept up on me reeeeaaaal slow...sneaky-like.)

Mother's Day is THIS Sunday, and I have a problem.
It has to do with CAT-MAMA cards.

I'm a cat-mama.
I love my kitty boops to the death and end of me, but...but...
they can't buy me the cat-mama card!

...and I certainly can't buy it for myself.
(The two above are for my mom.)
Hmmrrph!

The oooonlllly way a cat-mama card works is if
someone you know loves you enough
to spend about $3.99 on one.

...aaannnddd loves that you love your cats.

I know plenty of people who think it's weird/strange/pathetic/retardo how much I love my cats, so THOSE people would never buy me a cat-mama card for Mother's Day.

[deep sigh]

I rest my case.

what a week

What a week!  Really, the past two weeks...

Between my crazy sentimental heart breaking into a million pieces, coming home last Monday to bombings in Boston, the stress of the New York Statewide Tests this and last week, weird sleep patterns, dreaming about him, my principal pressuring me about next year even though I know I'm not coming back, the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy (not me) really close to home, one of my students calling my other student's late dad a fat ass, a teacher in my school's husband had a stroke...I know we must all be trying to keep calm and...oh, what's that saying?  

Instead we're all a bit sad, stressed, and freaking out.  I know I am.

My upcoming weekend should help me a bit.  Tonight I'm with my girls Elisa & Natalie again like last week. Tomorrow: it's back to sew class and I finally get to hop on the sewing machine.
Sunday: a morning trip with dad & sis to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden to see the spring blossoms should be Awesome McAwesome. Plants have been healing for me this year.

I try to count my blessings everyday...and if nothing else, I'm going to do what I can to point my mood in the same direction I pointed my iPhone for these photos: UP.
I'm hoping the same for you.

Happy Friday.
Have a lovely weekend!

STEAL Magnolias

Since the Monday sister shenanigans that occurred last week on our walk/jog/run trail, every day that's felt like spring, my sister and I have gotten out to scale our neighborhood.

...and every time we have, we've seen more and more beauty blossoming in these magnolia trees.

The color, coupled with the blue sky...it's definitely pulling my inner color dial that spins wildly with the changing of seasons, trying to land on a go-to palette for the next few weeks/months.

The blues, pinks, and purples have already inspired a bunch of my recet instagram images, as you can see above.  My favorite part is this is not even a conscious decision.  The magnolia trees have no doubt left an impression, and effected me more so this year than any year before.

I think it has a lot to do with the break-up (1, 2, & 3).  I'm doing really well in a lot of ways, but am truly broken in very unobvious ways.  Things that normally wouldn't bother me, have lately.  I've gotten incredibly emotional after hours of strength.  I'll be ecstatic that it's spring one minute, then be flooded with one of our many spring memories, and need to stop and catch my breath the next. People around me talking to me, not talking to me, about him, about work, about their love problems...I physically can't seem to take any of it lately.  My sleeps's been off.  Dreams of him. Time feels frozen.

But everyday we walk...and every time I past these magnolia trees, I feel lifted.  All the struggles I've been going through in missing him, in being alone - -truly a palpable loneliness- - for those brief traveling moments walking under the magnolia tree, I am at peace.

I'm truly grateful for their presence in my life this year.

I had made up my mind that I wanted to steal a couple of magnolias.

At the end of our walk yesterday, that's what I did:

God bless.

Happy Thursday.

Thanks for visiting.

Here I go again, thinking about thinking...

There is such a fine line between the two, isn't there?  Sometimes I don't know if I'm trusting in the universe that things will work out alright, or if I'm pleading in a fit of mania to please make things work out alright...please please please.  If I become a success story in 5, 10, 15 years, will I be able to say, "I've always trusted the idea that I'd be a success" ?  Or, will I have to say, "How the f**k did I get here? I worried & worked myself too hard to notice."

Am I trusting or panicking?  Or a little bit of both?

No time to think / Time for sleep now

I'm incredibly sentimental today.

Three years ago, today, he was off work, and I was on Spring Break off from subbing.  He came to my house. We ate strawberries, and I photographed my then cat, Dinah.  We set off on a bike ride, and he led me to what would become my walk/jog/run/bike trail. 

This trail was a mere five-minute bike ride from my house, and I never knew it existed.
He showed me where it was. 

I remember him taking a turn too fast, and riding right into a mud patch.  I remember biking the whole trail and out of it to a park, and setting down our bikes as he tried to wash himself of the mud.  I remember pedalling all the way to Flushing Meadow Park and getting an ice cream cone from Mr. Frosty.  I remember hanging out amongst full, blossoming, spring trees.  I pulled a 'Little Mermaid' move on my bike, too, and he caught it on camera. original story here.

I remember feeling so happy and free, and the weather was warm.  

I biked that trail today.  I stopped and took a picture of where he slid out in front of me and got mud all over him.  After I snapped the pic, my iPod changed the song and Alexi Murdoch's "Blue Mind" came on as I pedalled away:  

03 Blue Mind

Got no time
Got no mind
For the line
In my life
No time to think
Time for sleep now
Time to sink way into the blue, dear...

I listened to it as I pedalled away.

I listened to it as April 1st three years ago replayed over in my mind again and again.

I found a spot in the grass field and sat there as the song played through and I let myself miss him, let the loneliness surround me.  

A little dramatic?
Yes, but like I said, I'm incredibly sentimental today.

my new blue Biria CitiBike 700C Step-through

Between Sunday, March 24th and yesterday, Tuesday, March 26th, I found, bought, and rode a new bicycle.  Huh?! What?! ...Yeah. Okay...

At this time last week I had no idea I was going to buy a new bike.  I was too busy panicking about a Preference Sheet and trying to get through the last week before Spring Break.

An unexpected sequence of events took place, and the end result was NEW BIKE.

Here, let me try to explain:

the first bike I purchased can be seen here

(I've had my eye on this bike for a whole year.)

Now, it might seem like this was in impulse purchase, and in a lot of respects it was, but like I said above, this bike has been in my mind for a whole year.

It was on sale for cheaper than I'd find it if I waited to buy it...and...well, I went for it.
I don't know what came over me, but I did it.

I came home, excited, and put together a digital bike-collage featuring my new Biria:

I couldn't take the bike home Sunday because I had my small car.  I honestly did not think I'd be buying a bike.  I just wanted to browse the selection, and I needed a bike lock.

Well, I bought the bike lock for 20% off, but I bought the bike too.

I will ride the thing every single chance I get in the Spring and Summer.
In the long run, I'll save money on gas.
(All this stuff I tell myself.)

Still: I needed to pick it up. 

So that's what I did yesterday.
I took my mom's truck, folded down the back seats, and transported my new blue Biria home.

I got it home safely.
A neighbor walking his dogs helped me unload it.

I hopped right on and rode it to the Post Office to deliver a stamp order.

a vine video of our first ride together can be seen here

Honestly, it's the most beautiful bike.  It seats my fat ass comfortably; it's wide and sturdy and strong; I'm at the most awesomely upright angle, can view the whole world around me...it's great.

I know I'm in a transition phase in my life.
I know I'm in desperate need of pinching pennies, and getting shit in order.

Maybe this wasn't the best time for a new bike purchase...

...but when I was on that bike yesterday, I couldn't. stop. smiling.

It's been a feeling winter's been denying me.
It's been a genuine feeling of peace and calm that I haven't gotten much of since the breakup,
since going back to work after Christmas Break, since - what feels like - forever.

I needed this new activity outlet.

...and I'm going to count every single bike ride toward Mission SKINS & PRITS.

Riding my new blue Biria might not be as arduous a workout as INSANITY,
but I'd call it something better: SERENITY.

♥ ♥ ♥

I look forward to sharing my new bike adeventures with you this spring and summer.

panic attack

Yesterday, after dropping the kiddos to the cafeteria for lunch and doing the usual check-my-mailbox routine, I discovered the TEACHER PREFERENCE SHEET for next year.  I knew it was going to be passed out soon, but I was kind of hoping after Spring Break...

...so much for that.

You might recall last year's Preference Sheet panic attack, where I couldn't get a grip on the year I was at the time currently teaching in, and then BOOM! Preference Sheet! ...and you're forced to think about September of the next year, and starting it all over again.

This year's panic is a bit different. :)

This year, it is as clear as the shnoz on my face:  I will not be coming back next year.  I have realized new career dreams and goals, and the thought of entering my school building in September of this year and starting another year like the past two all over again, makes me feel weak and fainty.

But now, with this Pref. Sheet on my lap, the opportunity has presented itself to let people know of the aforementioned fact. Uh, prinicpal, I will not be coming back next year.  I have a feeling this will be a lot less dramatic than I'm thinking it will be in my head, but I'm nervous. I'm such a people pleaser (major flaw!) and I'm afraid this news won't please her.

Then there's telling my para, Wanda. I love her to death.  She saved my life the past two years in terms of getting through most days.  Telling her scares me even more!  I feel like I'm going to majorly disappoint her. :(

...and then there's THE EYES I'm panicked about.  You know the ones: the wide eyes from all those co-workers that didn't see it coming.  The ones that can't understand why I would go through years of school, years of subbing, papers, essays, long hours, hard work, mock lessons, student-teaching (gah!), and most recently two years of actual teaching (that I wished and prayed oh so hard for) to just abandon it like that.  

(My parents gave me 'THE EYES'  for a full year until just recently getting on board.)

I'm preparing myself for all that.  I'm in a bit of a panic thinking about it coming, but mostly, I'm confident and driven.  Confident in the decision to leave teaching that last year I was confused about and not ready to make, and driven by the thought of my career plans finishing out the year.

Confident and driven.
Confident and driven.
Confident and driven.

Repeat, repeat, repeat when you're getting
those questioning EYES of horror and doubt.

;)

Thanks for reading, as always.

P.S. - I think it's funny that on this same day last year, this was my post.  Some time has past (a full year!) and I've figured it out.  :)  I still remember that Monday morning, and the feelings that went along with it.  Those feelings are still with me today, holding on to my new career drive like children gripping to their mother's hands as they cross a busy street.

blogs that rock & why // a case study

This post is my homework submission for the 'Blogging Your Way' ecourse I'm taking this month. It's a course run by Holly Becker from the blog decor8 (find out more information HERE) and it consists of tips, advice, and research on how to be a Blog Boss. ;)

This week, she had us do a case study of blogs that we think rock and why:

 

The blogs you saw in this video are:
enjoy it
...love Meagan
CAKIES
Love Taza
The Nearsighted Owl

and two more blogs I think rock, but neglected to upload & put in the video are:

Goodnight Little Spoon
&
FAT MUM SLIM 

(...and from the 'Blogging Your Way' class...)
Behind the Lines
&
ADRI'S WORLD

Thanks for visiting & viewing & reading!

Link to any other blogs you think rock (even if it's yours),
and I'd love to check 'em out!