Amanda Rose blog

so...damn...happy....

This is a little Vine video that never made it to Vine.  It failed to upload (fix that glitch, Vine) and so it sat in my phone until now.

If you can't recognize the voice, that's Will Smith during THiS SCENE in The Pursuit of Happyness. I watched that movie a bunch of times since last year, and over again couple of weeks ago on Spring Break.

I totally felt the same way his character felt in that scene when I opened my new Cloth.Paper.Scissors STUDIOS magazine and saw all the freelance artists.  The wide, gigantic smiles, the hands spread open, tossed confetti in the air: really...these people love what they do and do what they love.

That's what I goal to MAKE HAPPEN.  

The New York Statewide Standardized Tests are happening this week and next, and as my students rack their brains away to take a test even I would have trouble with, I'm sitting there with my C.P.S. STUDIOS magazine on my lap, oogling the craft|work spaces of these women that pursued a job path less traveled, reading each of their stories, and imagining the idea that one day myself, my studo, my work, and my story will be featured somewhere in those pages.

IMAGINE.  MAKE HAPPPEN.

-----

Note:

 I would just like to take this moment to send positive thoughts, feelings, and vibes to the vicitims of the Boston Marathon Bombings.  I came home from work Monday afternoon to the news of it, and my jaw dropped to the floor.  This has been a tough last few months for the East Coast, and a tough year for America.  Tomas and my Boston trip in February of 2011 kept flashing in my mind, and I was reminded of how thankful I was for everything that city gave me in the short time I was there.  Stay strong, Boston.  We're with ya. ♥ ♥ ♥

panic attack

Yesterday, after dropping the kiddos to the cafeteria for lunch and doing the usual check-my-mailbox routine, I discovered the TEACHER PREFERENCE SHEET for next year.  I knew it was going to be passed out soon, but I was kind of hoping after Spring Break...

...so much for that.

You might recall last year's Preference Sheet panic attack, where I couldn't get a grip on the year I was at the time currently teaching in, and then BOOM! Preference Sheet! ...and you're forced to think about September of the next year, and starting it all over again.

This year's panic is a bit different. :)

This year, it is as clear as the shnoz on my face:  I will not be coming back next year.  I have realized new career dreams and goals, and the thought of entering my school building in September of this year and starting another year like the past two all over again, makes me feel weak and fainty.

But now, with this Pref. Sheet on my lap, the opportunity has presented itself to let people know of the aforementioned fact. Uh, prinicpal, I will not be coming back next year.  I have a feeling this will be a lot less dramatic than I'm thinking it will be in my head, but I'm nervous. I'm such a people pleaser (major flaw!) and I'm afraid this news won't please her.

Then there's telling my para, Wanda. I love her to death.  She saved my life the past two years in terms of getting through most days.  Telling her scares me even more!  I feel like I'm going to majorly disappoint her. :(

...and then there's THE EYES I'm panicked about.  You know the ones: the wide eyes from all those co-workers that didn't see it coming.  The ones that can't understand why I would go through years of school, years of subbing, papers, essays, long hours, hard work, mock lessons, student-teaching (gah!), and most recently two years of actual teaching (that I wished and prayed oh so hard for) to just abandon it like that.  

(My parents gave me 'THE EYES'  for a full year until just recently getting on board.)

I'm preparing myself for all that.  I'm in a bit of a panic thinking about it coming, but mostly, I'm confident and driven.  Confident in the decision to leave teaching that last year I was confused about and not ready to make, and driven by the thought of my career plans finishing out the year.

Confident and driven.
Confident and driven.
Confident and driven.

Repeat, repeat, repeat when you're getting
those questioning EYES of horror and doubt.

;)

Thanks for reading, as always.

P.S. - I think it's funny that on this same day last year, this was my post.  Some time has past (a full year!) and I've figured it out.  :)  I still remember that Monday morning, and the feelings that went along with it.  Those feelings are still with me today, holding on to my new career drive like children gripping to their mother's hands as they cross a busy street.

my poetry || imagine. male happen.

image found here

imagine...

imagine waking up with no rushed responsibility
    with the ability to make coffee and kiss the cats and appreciate the morning's silence...with coffee sips and thoughts of the creativity that potentially might muster in your mind throughout the day 

imagine getting to work, slowly easing yourself on your computer's creative design space and     starting...being paid for play...all morning, paid for play

then maybe pause for a meeting or a walk outside for lunch
    gather air and inspiration and sweet time for yourself...nourishment...this is your day, but
you're working 
    and imagine this still feels like your day even though its your working day

'cause it's not work you're afraid of, no no ...it's loss of yourself in work, like now
     where are you? 

then imagine you return to work and continue to play...MORE PLAY, they say
    shapes, font, type, color, pattern, mixing, ideas to convey, more play
no more grinding teeth
no more scrounging for calm
no more hectic chaos, shitty system

just getting paid for play, nestled in a job I fit right into, that allows room for happy
        like a big open warehouse for happy
        that I fill to the brim each day,
            and when I look in the mirror, I see me 

                                    imagine.  make happen.

a tiny career poem by

because I feel like this year it
is more clear than ever before

my most popular bulletin board & updated teacher-thoughts

I don't know what it is about my current bulletin board, but the peeps in my school are LOVIN' it!!

It probably most definitly is because of the drawings the kids made of themselves in art class.  The art teacher 'let me have 'em' and what better place could I find for them to go except next to their personal narratives?  Haa haa!

Now, for MY UPDATED THOUGHTS on BEING A TEACHER AND TEACHING for those of you who know my thoughts about it from last year:

I started this year much stronger than I started last year since my immense naivity led me astray last year.  This year, I was much more wise and ready for the crazy.  I am more organized, and got better at having things in place to keep my sanity.  Even my group of kiddos this time around flow and mesh and work better.  I kinda dig them...although...liking/loving/dealing with the kids has never been the problem.

I'm not as ruled by complete and utter fear and anxiety like last year, although almost everyday I start off with it.  WHAT TO TEACH these kids is still a problem.  Like, a major problem.  There are no programs in place from which to teach from...only concepts that we teachers are supposed to make the kids know, but no explaination/resources with which to have them learn with.  It's up to us to create the explanation, and up to us to scrounge for the resources, but at the end of our already long day, WHAT TEACHER HAS THE TIME TO CREATE and SCROUNGE?!?!

Finished pieces like the ones above and the great quality of work I get the kids to do ONE DAY AT A TIME are shimmers of light in a system that is mostly dark and confusing.

I know I'm good at and have a fondness for teaching, but I still don't love being teacher in the New York City Department of Eduation.  At this point in my life, however, I am grateful for this job.  I get smiley knowing my 10 kiddos think I'm a cool lady, and I feel honored to serve them in the way that I do.  I know it's good work, it's just...

...I don't know.

...the twinge of maybe there's more I could do...
...the thought of 'what's next' still lingers in my mind...

...we'll see.

For now, it's all about that bulletin board outside room 413. ;)

the. Past. 3. Days.

...have. been. Doozies.

...as far as affecting my internal compass.

It started with my school's end term party on Wednesday, where I joined my co-workers who I've been teaching alongside all year for drinks and dinner and mingling and dancing.  Talks of September were had, and as usual, I included myself in the discussions.

Three retirees were honored and one of them said something that has been resonating.
She said, "Don't wish time away." 
I wonder if she wished time away as a teacher.  I've been spending all this time since January wishing for June to be here.  Now it's here, and I want to stay in this [cusp of summer] zone forever.

[what I wore]

My internal compass was bi-polar bouncing from one extreme to the other throughout the end-term party night...the one that tells me I'll teach another year, and the one that fights teaching another year at every cost.

The next day, all the Special Ed teachers from my school (there are about ten of us) were sent to Columbia University in NYC to attend professional development workshops. The same back and forth, pushing and pulling occurred.

[breakfast with dad; Columbia's patterned walkway; the place I sat waiting for the day]

I sat in these workshops listening to teachers tell me all these lofty ideas about teaching...most of which I believed myself this time last year.  I felt frustrated with the idealist all around me, but identified with them at the same time...and was a little envious that this teaching profession of ours seems to satisfy their soul, but not mine.

It was a tad confusing to say the least.  I tried to relax at lunch, when my Special Ed co-workers and I skipped the free box-lunch and headed up the block for hot appetizers and cocktails:

This was the workshop entitled "How To Work in the New York City Department of Education and Still Remain Sane". Tee hee.

After lunch I headed to a professional development workshop that was right up my alley, my extreme cup of tea, my most happiest place...I walked into the assigned room with classical music playing lowly in the background, and saw 30 to 50 people cutting and gluing and making collages.

The workshop I walked into fell under the topic 'multimodal learning', but it could have been titled Amanda's Much Needed Therapy in large neon lights.

Above is the result of that workshop.

I love paper play.  I love designing with what's in front of me.  I love ripping and cutting.  I love smooth and frayed edges.  I love black& white.  I love brights.  I love stripes.  I love florals.  I love mixing prints.  I love text and type. I love whimsy. I LOVE this stuff.

I know this.

When it comes to teaching, I love the kids.  I love being able to show them something they've never seen before.  I love igniting a passion in people, like many people have done for me.

Is there a way to combine the two?
Is there a job somewhere out there that can crash these two notions together and mold into my soul's purpose?

I wondered this at the end of my day at Columbia University.
I took all these questions to bed with me.

Then yesterday happened.

...and my principal told me where she's placing me next year.

All these plans were made and talks were had, and here I was yapping away about next year and how it'll be different and falling into this teacher role as if the all-important shift and its cousin and my pursuit of happyness plea and strengths and weaknesses exercise NEVER HAPPENED.

Room changes and how'd I organize and who would be with me and ALL THIS TEACHER TALK went on!!  I felt light-headed most of the day and my internal compass is exhausted this morning.

I thought I knew what page I was on and the past 3 days have tornadoed me to a different section of the library and it's not the self-help!

At this point, I'm anxious to see what the Summer brings, or what I make it bring.
I think that will be the deciding factor in this fiasco.

For today, I am going to retreat to my heart this afternoon and go to the crafting core of my being where I feel most in my zone...at Kelly Purkey's class she's hosting at The Ink Pad.

Tomorrow, I plan to hit up a local street fair and bake.

As head-spinning as the past 3 days were, the next 2 will be spent slow and still and calm and happy.

Happy June Weekend, reader-loves.

xOxO,
 

5 months since I posted about 'the shift'

It's been 5 months since I posted about 'the shift'...

...and my heart is on a skateboard ready to hightail it outta here.

Well, let me start off by saying "IT'S JUNE." (Ahhhhh.)

It's actually June and I never thought I'd get here.

To refresh everyone's memory (or introduce you to it for the first time) 'the shift' I'm referring to is this:

    I went from feeling confident and ready for my real life to begin with my new teaching
    job that I prayed for and strived for and worked hard for...to...feeling clueless and scared and
    trapped and duped with a side order of burn-out brain.

    I went from enthusiastically wanting to jump into every aspect of teaching head-first...to...
    rejecting any and all association with the idea of long-term teaching.

    I went from 'I'm finally a teacher'...to...'I don't want to be a teacher anymore'.

Along with the realization these past few months that this teaching job of mine isn't at all the perfect fit I thought it was going to be when I decided to go back to school and pursue it four years ago, has come immense guilt and uncertainty about the decision I feel I'm inevitably going to be making come the end of this school year.

That decision? To no longer be a teacher.

With the thought of not continuing on my teacher-journey next year, I think about my twelve lovely students.  I'm proud that I truly tried my best with them this year.  I'm satisfied that my direct interactions with them were always happy, enthusiastic, kind, and understanding.  I'm proud that most mornings when the tears were flowing, that I could collect myself for them.  I'm also proud that although most mornings I cried and dreaded work, I showed up for them and never quit on them.  They were the twelve souls that kept me going.

I think that kids like them need a teacher like me.  I think that they were lucky to have me this year, and I was lucky to have them, even with all my bitching and the stress and anxiety that went with it.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt knowing that next year a whole new batch of kids would benefit from having a compassionate, hard-working, dedicated teacher like me, and that my absence in the lives my potential students will have negative effects.  I suppose I'm struggling with my responsibility to them, and that perceived responsibility PLUS a bunch of other stuff is making it hard for me to deal with this 'shift' that occurred.

That 'other stuff' includes the fact that I feel I will be disappointing a lot of people:

My mom, for one, is sure that I'm a great teacher and that it's my destiny.  She doesn't think I gave it enough time, having taught in a classroom for only one year, and says if I decide to quit, I will see that other jobs are not all roses and tulips.  (P.S. - I never said they were.)

My dad, who got me through college so I could become a teacher, probably felt satisfaction in knowing his oldest daughter finally had a job and was on her way to the life she is supposed to lead.  I feel I let him down, and gave him more to worry about.  On top of that, he most likely doesn't trust in my ability to make decisions and will feel justified now more than ever to make those 'big decisions' for me. (P.S. - Not happening.)

My boyfriend, who I promised that once I became a teacher and became more financially stable, things would progress in our relationship.  I think it's been hard for him to hear these past five months that this teaching job of mine isn't the right fit.  That this next year might be spent finding the right fit.  He must know what that means for our plans to start trying to make it on our own, and must struggle with wanting to be supportive and needing our relationship to progress.
(I just don't know what to tell him.)

My sister, who looks to me as the person who 'has it all together', has already expressed that she thinks I'm being foolish.  She just graduated, has in internship lined up for September, and is on her way to being the nutritionist she went to school for.  My one prayer for her is that it's all she imagines it to be.  At dinner the other day, my mom joked,
                                                                        "Let's hope we don't have two strike-outs."
Yeah. (deep sigh)

My principal, who I pretty much begged for this job, will most likely hate me.  I think she perceives me as her diamond in the rough...the superhero who swooped in last minute and saved her ass a lot of trouble and aggravation finding a teacher for the 'special class'.  In her mind, I 'got her back' and will be swooping in next year to save her the trouble again. (Little does she know...)

My current students, who maybe hoped to have me next year, or would at least have liked the opportunity to wave to me in the hall or visit my classroom...

...my responsibility to them and my potential students and my innate people-pleasing mentality, not wanting to disappoint anyone, has been in conflict with what I believe my soul is telling me.

I believe my soul is telling me that teaching is not IT.
I believe the universe has something else planned for me.
I believe that at this shift occurred because at 27 years old, I have only now tapped into a positive and deeper realm of myself that is pointing me toward what I am supposed to be.  

However, fear inevitably follows.

...a conscious, active decision of bravery and trust on my part must follow still.

I believe that is the ONLY way I'll get to where my heart has pointed me this year.

Oprah wrote this:
                          "...getting to what feels right often comes from things going
                      wrong...who you're meant to be evolves from where you                       are right now." see quote here

No better a quote sums up this first year teaching, I think.

But WHAT IF? 

What if I leave teaching and it's a mistake?
(I feel it will be a mistake if I don't try something else.)

What if I gave up on teaching too soon?
(The alternative? Spend another year or two hating my everyday.)

What if I fall flat on my face and produce nothing for myself?
(What if I discover everything I've been dreaming of?)

My 'WHAT IF's get trumped by the potential of what could be for me.

Am I a fool? Maybe, but I deserve a job I adore.  I know this for sure.
I. Deserve. A. Job. I. Adore. ...and everything that comes with it.

"If you want to be given everything,
give everything up."
                                                -- Bird York, "In The Deep" 

xOxO,

burnt toast

That is me.

I am done.  Charred like burnt toast.

Those 5 weeks I had to pursue my version of happyness mentioned in last week's post?
They're now down to 4.  

Four weeks until May 31st!  Four weeks to make the most of May and use it to propel my life forward in the right direction.

What did I get done in support of this notion these past seven days?  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.

Why? ...because I'm burnt toast.

This teacher workload of mine is like Mount Everest.  I drive to work every morning with a list of about 5 key things I want to do to change my situation for the better, and then I arrive at the school.  For 8 hours, I'm pulled, plucked, battered, and beaten to a pulp, and then go home to tackle the paper work and other extraneous baloney jobs we are expected to accomplish.  I print gazillions of worksheets, create SMARTBoard lessons, become a textbook and workbook maker, write up student reports, fudge conference notes...

...none of those 5 key things thought up on my morning commute get done.

The boyf's birthday is next week...I haven't got him a card, present, or anything. :(

I've been a horrible girlfriend.

Mother's Day is next weekend...I haven't gotten her a card, present, or anything. :(

I've been a horrible daughter.

I am a robot psuedo-teacher shell.  I go through the motions.  I am not myself.

Gosh Darnit!  I'm not going to wallow (haa haa!), so I'm going to set a schedule for myself to accomplish those 5 key things.  But, honeys, BURNT.

It's the kind of burnt at the end of a shitty semester (...and I had TONS of those). BUT, teaching was supposed to be my life.  Teaching was supposed to be the answer to what I was meant to do...and I'm sorry, but 'what you're meant to do' should not feel like a shitty college semester filled with bullshit and baloney work that doesn't fulfill.  IT JUST SHOULDN'T!!

This is where I'm at, ya'll, and it's feeling like it's NOT going to be okay.

Today's plan:
survive the school day;
try not to cry;
plot out which days are for which key thing I wanted to get done;
buy the boyf a birthday card...sheesh!

Off to the toaster again today.
Blaring in my eardrums is this song.
Yeah.
SUMS IT UP.

xOxO,

My Pursuit of Happyness

The strangest thing happened the other morning.
My dreaded Monday morning to be exact.

I opened my eyes around 3AM and blurrily watched one of the first scenes of The Pursuit of Happyness, with Will Smith.  I saw it a few years ago, and remembered I liked it, but watching it Monday morning was different. 

In between sips of coffee and lesson-planning for the day, and avocado-toast biting and worksheet-hunting, with a new set of eyes -- a set that has been searching frantically for their own version of happyness -- I watched the whole movie.

After watching this man face obstacle after obstacle after obstacle in the pursuit of 'getting happy' and making the life he desired for himself and his son, I realized it was a sign for me to persevere...to persist and maintain my purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement.
The movie came to me -- that Monday morning -- at just the right time.

Chris Gardner (who Will Smith portrays) had to cram his pursuing in about 6 months time.

I'm going to be doing specific pursuing with a deadline of 5 weeks.In 5 weeks from today, it'll be May 31st.  By the end of May, I want to have sent out what I need to send out, and feel like the month of May has set me up for BIG and GREAT things come June, July, and August...my happy months.

I've already re-joined WeightWatchers -- ready to get my health back on track.

I'm preparing for the rest of this school year to be as painless and smooth as possible.

I'm going to be spending all my free time these next five weeks pursuing...

...trying to create positive and productive {movement}.

xOxO,

Sunday's outfit, yesterday's e-mail, today's interview

Sunday's Easter outfit:
------------------------

 

 
What do you think of that Anthro sweater?  I bought it about a year ago and it's been hanging in my closet like a jerk.  I had this whole outfit planned - minus the sweater - and then when I put it on, it just *clicked*.  The sweater is like a grown up version of the Easter shawl my mother used to put on me when I was a little chubster off to church. Fitting!

yesterday's e-mail:
---------------------

So yesterday I got an e-mail.  Strike that.  Reverse it.  I got thee e-mail...from the lady whose job I want.  Imagine wanting Oprah's job, and then receiving a personal email from Oprah herself giving you tips and encouragement.  I've read the e-mail about 45 times since yesterday.  I love it and it totally made my day and YES, I am being intentionally mysterious about whom it is from because I'm all wrapped up in its magic and I'm a weirdo scorpio like that, but if you pay attention, it'll probably show up in my Project Life album soon enough.  ;)

I love it so much.  I'm going to go read it again. ;)

today's interview:
--------------------

I'm afraid the only thing I'm not going to be mysterious about in this post is Sunday's outfit, but yeah.  I have an interview today.  I don't know what I expect to come out of it, but I'm up for the adventure.  I'm excited the cover letter I sent was well received, and if it's in God's plan to make it happen, then I trust it will.

I think that's all I have to say about that. 

Happy Spring Tuesday, daffodils!

xOxO,

wah wah, teaching's not for me, wah wah ;)

Last Friday morning, before school started, there was a meeting and the woman who's been my school's union representative told everybody she'd be retiring at the end of the year.  Some of the things she said was "she knows it's time."  Most of New York City contributes the problems in the Department of Education on Mayor Bloomberg.  He'll supposedly be out in two years, and then figure the system will need another 5 to 10 years after that to reverse the damage he's done to the profession.  I don't know.

This woman said she cannot wait that long for that to happen, and who knows if it will ever happen, ever get better.  She said now's the time to leave because she wants to leave while there's still fond memories of teaching left.  She said that the system keeps changing, and she doesn't have it in her to change with it anymore.  She said it's just not fun anymore.

This was a veteran teacher.  ...and the scary part was she spoke for all the teachers 3 years in to 20 years in...I saw it on their faces and their head nods.

I told this story to my boyfriend who told me NYC is not the only board of education in the world.  He told me other places to teach can offer different environments, different settings.  He might be right, but I don't find teaching fun the way I thought I would.  Sure, when my students are happy to see me, that makes me feel good.  ...and sure, when I teach something, and the get it, it's rewarding, but the rest...the other 95% of the profession...is not fun, is not rewarding, and is not who I want to be.

The preference sheet panic I briefly mentioned in this post the other day is because like that retiring teacher Friday morning, I want to be done, I'm not having fun.  I think I know what I want to pursue, and a great deal of Summer is going to be spent researching and seeing where it takes me, but in truth, with all my lamenting, I might have to give teaching a second year of my life.  It's a solid job.  It's a do-able job, but with this morning, and with every Monday morning, the thought of doing my job as a teacher makes me tired.  Just the thought of it drains me.

I don't want to go today.  12 more days of March left.

Three more full weeks of school left until Easter YaYcation.

Four more student reports to write and parent-meetings to nervously smile through.

I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway.

I'll keep up with my #amileeveryotherdayinMarch challenge...with my #MarchPhotoADay challenge, with my Project Life journalling, with the looking forward to my friend's wedding on the 30th, my sewing class on the 31st, the online Sketchbook class on the 1st...

I force all these things to fill up my brain during my everyday. This is so I can remain sanguine. (I learned that word this weekend.  Sanguine.  Great word.)  Sanguine, despite my frustration and confusion.  Get me through March. Get us through April.  July or bust.

xOxO,

*This blog can act like my sounding-board.  Sometimes it's repetitious and downright whiny.  Thanks for reading --all the way up to here-- anyway. 

Now, I gotta go make an egg and cheese omlette.

Byeeee!