This is my monthly intention for February. Now that the enchantment that comes with the first few weeks of a new year is fading, it has really started to sink in: I'm without him.
After six years with Tomas, and a couple weeks since 'breaking up', I feel like we are broken up. That's actually the first time I've used that phrase. I haven't officially said we're broken up outloud. I guess I still haven't. Haa haa! (You see why I need this month for mourning?)
I've never done this before, so excuse me if it's all coming out weird. I've crushed on guys, who didn't crush back, and sure, that hurt a bit. I've fallen for guys who sorta fell back, and when it didn't amount to a relationship, felt full-fledged heartbreak. I'm no stranger to heartbreak, but I've never been through this before.
I've been with Tomas for six years, and he's been my constant. He's been my phone calls, my cuddle buddy, the one I share news with first, and...well...'the one' in general.
He's been my one.
...and we didn't work out.
Now what do I do?
It's been hitting me really hard since my grandmother left. I'm just starting to wrap my head around it and I find myself going, "Am I single? I'm alone again, aren't I?" I am without an other.
I miss him terribly. I love him very much, but it was me who ended it. ? ? ? Yeah. It was me who thought it wasn't fair to him for we to be 'us'. He's been wanting so much more from me for such a long time and I...can't. So, on top of feeling alone, I feel guilty, and it's placed me in a FUNK.
I'm allowing myself to mourn this month.
I'm going to grant myself the space, the time, and the silence to heal.
I'm going through a break-up and it feels like a death, but I want to MAKE IT PAST THIS.
Thanks for understanding.
Happy love month!